Karen, Note to Self: On Losing Friends, Losing Love and Being Alone.

You must learn to
travel alone
eat alone
sleep alone
cry alone
shop alone
watch a film alone
laugh alone
love alone

because

you were brought out
to this world alone
(unless you have a twin)
and you
will die alone.

text message from trix

"ngek. but you're an artist. it's not the world's fault that you wanted to write and indeed you never promised the universe that you would write brilliantly. you only promised that you would write your heart out. Liz Gilbert said one must find another reason to start writing, other than the desire for success and recognition. It must come from another place, perhaps to find oneself again."
_trix, october 20, 2008 9:41pm

i was browsing through my k800i inbox when i get to read the message above once again. trix is my college friend whom i seldom see now, although we now are both in the same college in UP Dil. Reading through my first post in this blog, she was actually the one who made me fall in love with writing my heart out again. and then at some point, i stopped. and then started again.

I had the most blogposts in august. i guess because someone from somewhere made me write something and practically anything. not really that she/he/it coerced me to write but seeing this entity made me write just about anything. hah. i looked at things differently. and then when the entity left, my blog came back to it's old self. a visual representation of a typical night in a barrio. you could almost hear the crickets. haha.

i just watched julie and julia yesterday. and one of the subnarratives dealt with blogging and all. julie powell blogged and cooked her life out for a year. she called it project julie and julia. 365 days, 500++ recipes. she dared herself to do it because she never seem to finish anything, that's according to her.

i never seem to finish anything at all. i dunno if it's gonna work. but yeah, maybe, just maybe i should try one too bearing in mind what trix told me. i promised the world that i'm going to write. i did not promise the world that i will write brilliantly, elaborately and compellingly. i just promised the world that i will write.

i miss writing. er blogging. yeah. whatever.

Karenderya as: Kilabot ng FX, Jipney, at taxi drivers ng Makati Series:

disclaimer: hindi ako masamang tao. hindi rin ako pilosopo na wala sa lugar. lahat may basis. lahat may dahilan kung bakit nagiging ganun ang kinahahantungan nila kapag ako ang nagiging pasahero nila.

KAren: ayala po kuya, sa may Insular lang. Pwede na po tayung mag-Buendia tapos Paseo nalang, mas malapit po ata.
Manong: ay magAyala nalang po tayo, mtrapik po sa Buendia ngayon.
Karen: Jan lang yan sa may ramp, hindi yan, gabi na man na.
Manong: hindi po matrapik po talaga.
Karen: o sya watever.
Manong: Ayala nlang ho tayo ah.
Karen: watever Manong.

*byahe byahe byahe* Matrapik din naman sa EDSA Ayala at sangkatutak ang stop light. Sa Glorietta palang 60 pesos na ang metro. E samantalang 60 lang ang pamasahe ko mula sa gate namin hanggang Insular.

Pagdating sa kanto ng Ayala at Paseo, ilang kembot bago ang Insular, kung saan ako bababa:

Karen: O sabi seo Manong walang trapik sa Paseo eh. tsk tsk.
Manong: Ngayon na lang po yan mam.

*pumara na ang taxi sa babaan. meter reads: a whopping 97.50 pesos.

Karen: *iniabot ang 100pesos na buo at badtrip. sobrang badtrip* o bayad ho.
Manong: *mumbling* 97.50...wala pong barya mam eh.
Karen: kapag ba ako kulang ng 2.50, pabababain mo ba ako sa taxi mo?
Manong: *kamot-ulo. sabay labas ng taxi sa umuulang gabi pra maghanap ng 2.50 na panukli*

eto na naman tayo sa mga signs...

sinasabi ko na nga ba.
hindi talaga magandang ideya yang paghingi-hingi ng signs kay Mang Jessie.
kita mo,
kanina, habang nililigpit ko lahat ng dapat ligpitin
kung kelan naniniklop na ng mga dapat tiklupin
at sinimulan ko nang magsunog ng mga dapat nang abuhin,
sumagi pa rin sa isip ko ang paghingi ng mga signs.
na kung tama na, magmessage ka.
kasi nga, mas madalang ka pa sa patak ng ulan sa Sahara kung magparamdam.

ayun.
sa kung anong hanging bagyo ang dumapo sa yo eh ngonline ka bigla.
sabi'y, karenderya, karenderya.
hay nako.



pero alam mo,
nangiti ako.
malakas pala talaga ako ke Mang Jessie.
*wink*

Natutupad Naman Pala Ang Mga Wishlist

haha.
oo naman.
Sa birthday ko, marami akong hiningi, pero hindi ako umasang may darating.
Mahirap ang buhay ngayon.
Minsan pa nga nadedebit ang account mo ng lecheng bangko mo sa bisperas mismo ng kaarawan mo.
Pero, matatanggap mo rin yun, matapos mong matulog at makaligo.
Marerealize mo na,
yung mga taong nagmamahal sa yo,
mamahalin ka pa rin at babatiin sa birthday mo,
pakainin mo man sila o hindi.

salamat sa mga sumusunod:
-kay mariah, sa jansport na bag
-sa mga ahente ko, *hindi ko alam kung sinu-sino silang nag-ambagan* sa havaianas IPE at sa red ribbon na cake.
at sa mga nagrereview para sa nursing board exam na pumunta sa opis ng alas dose ng gabi para batiin ako, na kung saan ntouch ako ng patal na patal.
-kay brosia, sa replica ng nikon dlsr at sa hello kitty na binalot nia at tinali ng electrical tape, at sa vintage na card na may cheesyng sulat
-kay tina, at sa mga taga-psc na sumulat ng notes at greetings gamit ang mga papel ni jary.
-kay nanay joycie, isa sa mga last kong iisipin na makakalaala dahil sa gap namin nuon.
-sa lahat ng bumati,
-kay mamai sa paggawa nung powerpoint at paggreet ng napakaaga-- ala singko ng umaga ng Sept 15. *eh sept 16 yung birthday ko eh*

ayun yun eh.

Note to Self, from Myself: Floundering, Groping and Still Learning at 24

A few hours before I turned 24, I was thinking that this is going to be my happiest birthday ever (for some reasons which I would try to keep to myself) until my China Bank payroll account debited all my salary and left me with money just about enough to buy prepaid credits so I may be able to respond to those who have greeted me on the 15th, which is not my birthday, it's actually September 16. But having been able to work in a bank before, I naturally understand what these tellers were going through. BUt just the same, aside from the the cliche, "tao lang ako at natural lang ang magalit" I also have, "birthday ko kase bukas eh, birthday ko!". But enough of the emoness, I think, Mang Jessie still has other plans for me for this day.

I have come up with a few thoughts over the year, and over the years. I'm sharing these, for posterity pa rin. lol x.

I do not intend to preach, I am telling and reminding these things I've learned to myself, so bawal mambasag ng trip. Birthday ko ngayon, birthday mo ba? *peace*

* I should keep my mouth shut. It pays to be able to speak your mind-- but not necessarily at all times. There are some instances that you better shut it unless you have something beneficial to say. Remember the Rotary Club Four Way Test?

* There are some things that should be posted on fishdrownedinwater.blogspot.com and karenderya.multiply.com that are worth sharing with the world. There are also some things that should only be kept in your mind. When you open your life to everyone, you become vulnerable thus easily accused, judged, misconstrued. Reserve some for your journal.

* When you decide to assume two roles at the same time, assess if you can be both at your best for both roles. You cannot use the other as an excuse for being mediocre on the other. You have to be at your best for both roles and if you think you can't, then drop the other.

* If you have to choose between two equally beautiful options, choose the one which you think you won't regret; but since you won't regret something until it's actually done, you'll never really know what it is. So heed to the cliche: FOLLOW YOUR HEART. It may not be logical at all times and your society may not accept it at times but if it's what makes you happy, it still matters.

* Sometimes, in real life, professing your feelings towards someone does not guarantee you with happy endings and ever afters. On worse days, it can even lead to losing friendships due to miscalculation of the person's ability to understand things beyond the normal, so unless you are 100% sure of what you are bound to do and lose eventually, HOLD IT OFF. Enjoy each encounters. And LOVE, just the same.

* Do not put labels on all things around you-- from my very close friend Ma-an, most especially on relationships. They become restricted. You set up certain roles that you want them to assume and when they fail, without them knowing it, to live up to the labels and roles you constructed, you get disappointed. Things can stay as they are and you can still or may still be happy about it.

* never speak ill of the person na nakaway mo. baka mahalin mo sya ulet, tas mahirap mo na ibalik yung dati.

* and That being busy, miserable, happy, in love, bitter and insecure are always a choice.

Ayun.

Bukod dun, I am also thankful sa mga sumusunod:

Kay Mang Jessie, na bagamat yung last kong simba ay nung Baccalaureate pa namin nung college, hindi niya pa rin ako kinakalimutan. Feeling ko nga, reverse psych ito. He showers all these blessings para makonsensya ako at magsimba na. lol x *peace tayu jan*

Sa UPFI, sa pagtanggap at sa dami ng absences at lates ko.

Sa transition team ko, that although I am barely seen and heard, kahit sa spam, alam ko anjan lang sila sa paligid ligid. Ni hindi ko nga kailangan magexplain.

Sa fortywinks, na walang ngrereply kasi badtrip na ata lahat sa kin dahil hndi na ako nagpapakita sa mahabang panahon;

Sa pamilya ko,

Sa Manila at Baguio Federal Sales Team, kasi masaya ang buhay. Maraming reasons para maging masaya. At hndi mo kailangang magconform sa lipunan para matupad ito.

Kay Mamai, kasi... at tsaka... at higit sa lahat... ayun. ganun ka eh. kaya thank you. at dahil alam mo, na sa mga panahon na hindi masyadong abundant ang swerte at happiness, kung gaano kaimportante ito sa akin lalo na kapag galing seo >> *hug*

Happy Birthday Karen.
*sniff*

namimiss? ikaw? hinde no.

kanina lang kumain ako mag-isa ng creme brulee cupcake;
yung madalas kong dala para sa yo
na mas lamang ang hati mo palagi,
naalala mo?

kanina
yung cupcake--
hinati ko sa dalawa,
nung paubos na yung akin,
kinain ko na rin yung hinati ko para sa yo.


naalala ko
wala ka na nga pala
wala nang kakain nun.

09.09.09
sa station ko