If I Will Write Melai a Letter, I Would Probably Tell Her These...

-- that I didn't mean to scare her. I should never have told her at all. That if I had one thing I could still "recall" like as that of an email, erroneously sent, I could have just recalled the message. Had I known that that fateful evening would drive her farther away from me, I could have just kept it. And let it die with the person.

--that I did not try to stalk her; And that I have no reason to stalk her. I was overwhelmed. Seeing someone who looks exectly like someone you entrusted your life with and suddenly left you for good with no goodbyes is just too much to excitement bear--too much that you would do anything to get you closer to the person. Even if it would mean scratching the scar and letting it bleed once again.

--that i did not invent anything. I am a creative writing and literature major so I am practically spending the rest of my life weaving words, but I have not come up with this kind of a really brilliant story, if you would consider it brilliant. And that I too, thought that this only happens in TV series and Mills and Boon novels and other things except non-fiction stories. I write from experience, Merlie has not taught me yet on how to write from the yet unknown.

--that I loved her from a distance unfortunately not romantically but familial. And that although she was stunning when she crinkles her nose just like her, she wasn't girlfriend-material to me, assuming that I belonged to the third sex, which boils down to me once again clarifying that I am not. With your words, subtly, you are accusing me. But I am not.

--that I have tried resorting to hating, despising and cursing you. I thought that this may be the fastest way for me to move forward and heal myself. Afterall, it worked perfectly fine for the people I have tried eradicating in my life. For those I have chosen to erase and forget about everything I shared with them, even if my seemingly endless capacity of phonebook entries could still suffice to have their names be part of it.

--that I still have your number in my head. No matter how many times I have erased it in my phonebook, considering the gazillion times I have changed my Globe sim. It just stays. Just like when my Psychology professor Guiang asked us to forget numbers 491 some four years ago. see?

--that I have given up my dreams of becoming part of your team because it would only mean a step closer to you. and I gave up the idea that I could be healed faster when I am closer to you because you no longer inspire me, seeing you haunts me of the ghost I could never probably shoo- away .

--that slowly I am telling myself that you are not her and she is not you. For one, she was the most passionate human being I have met. THat she graciously accepted the love offered to her without allegations and much more without questions. She loved without asking why and without any doubts or malice. She loved because she was loved.

--that you may be 95% alike physically but never the same. She never judged anyone she never got to know. Never assumed and presumed someone unless she was able to prove it. And by doing this, I am exactly her opposite at this time.

--that you, you are her exact opposite.

--that I am sorry I had to do what I have done. Like I said, "just like loving, I do not know any other way how to love."

--that I still wish, that tiny little irrational voice inside me tells me, that I get to share the same network with you in Friendster, Multiply, or even Facebook--just so I could see what's your favorite movie, if you at least read any of the Neruda poems I shared and liked it, if you joined the rallies in UP back in your college years, if you also think that Gloria should step down from her office and a lot more from what I could see from a distance.

--that I would only give up my current post if and only if, I realized that I am ready to walk on, and maybe look back from time to time but would no longer be pained by what I am seeing and what I would no longer be seeing for the rest of my stay here...

--that I will still keep my promise, "i will remember you for the rest of my life; and if I grow old and my braincells degenerate, I will still have my heart to back it up..."