facebook status, 072009: basta ako, masaya ngayon.

bahala na mamaya.
bahala na bukas.
basta ngayun, masaya ako.

kung ano at anu man yun
na nagpapasaya sa akin ngayun,
akin nalang yun.
basta ang mahalaga,
ako, masaya ngayon.

kung bukas hindi na
kung mamaya, wala na,
ok lang.
basta ngayon, ako masaya.

ah basta.

sobrang late naman na ata

under construction yung multiply site ko. i half abandoned dramatista.multiply.com for some reasons beyond my control tsaka dhail gusto ko lang. lol. you can now find me in karenderya.multiply.com. bakya na kung bakya pero para sa kin cute naman yung play ng word. anyway, hindi pa rin yun complete pero dun na ako ngaun nguupload ng mga bagongs posts. so for the meantime, im writing this thru my fishdrownedinwater.blogspot.com site. hectic. feeling sikat. nyahaha.

antagal na nung huling post ko, bukod dun sa mga imported entries from my friendster site. kaya siguro napupuno na naman yung utak ko ng mga walang sense na bagay, kaya kagaya ng pensieve ni Dumbledore, kelangan bawasan ng onti, saan pa ilalagay kundi syemps dito.

may 2 buwan na ako halos nalipat ng account. from WaMu, transfer na ang lola mo sa Manila Federal Sales. First batch, ako lang yung supervisor under training. nakakaculture shock kasi sobrang onti lang ng tao, kumpara sa pinaggalingan ko, na limampu halos kaming supervisor, hagard talaga ngaun.

me mga hindi masyadong mgandang nagyari sa training na ikinapangamba ng kaseguruhan ng trabaho namin, pero until then, enjoy muna while it lasts.

Nakaadjust na rin ako sa mga tao kong kasama pero andun pa rin yung namimiss mo yung mga dati mong ginagawa ksama yung mga kebigan mong kebs ang din sa mundo ang drama. he he. pressured ngaun kasi lahat ng mata nakatingin seo. Parang konting galaw mo eh me masasabi sayo. pero dahil kebs lang ako sa sasabihin nila, ayos lang.

pero ngayun, habang sinusulat ko ito. sa ilang buwan naming pagsasama nung bago kong kapamilya, mas iknalungkot ko dahil:

-alam akong hindi magtatagal, sigurado akong mawwipe out kaming lahat; kundi matapos ung kontrata, baka materminate kami.
-maghihiwa-hiwalay kami kapag natapos ang ramp. karamihan uuwi ng baguio dahil andun talaga ang site nila. kami andito lang s maynila.
-na kung kelan gamay mo na yung account, pati mga tao, sooner than later, mawawala din ang lahat ng ito. kaya kailangan ding paghandaan yun.

higit sa lahat, ngaun naguguluhan ako. college pa ko nung naalala kong huling sumagi sa akin ang gantong pakiramdam. pero imbes na matuwa ako, naguluhan akong bigla.
hindi pwede. dahil maling tao. at maling pagkakataon.
sobrang late na ba para magkaron ng mga ganitong klaseng krisis?

In Memoriam: Ana Escalante Neri 1978-2007 July 22nd, 2007

for letting me see the story of your life in your perspective–

the lenses will explain how you see beauty in all things, which now i kept on asking as to why, but i won’t…

let the words you weaved be the witness that you lived…

and if by chance, you pass by the Atlantis, tell them that we’re on our way and that life here is savage and ruthless…

thank you Ana. you are finally home…

In Memoriam: Ana Escalante Neri 1978-2007 July 22nd, 2007

i met her in summer of 2006. it was in a writer’s workshop in up which she was a fellow and which i was part of the secretariat . it wasn’t hard to be enthralled by her personality. she was beaming the whole time.

at breakfast, when all of us gather around the banquet in the UP guest house, when she wouldn’t utter a word, she’ll smile.

at night, we would sit by the dock by the bay to be enchanted by the sound of the waves and her endless stories. just that. and before we sleep, we’ll utter our unending goodbyes and good nights to each other along with the other people in the workshop.

on the workshop’s last night, we danced in magsaysay on our way to the closing ceremonies in kapitolyo and had our flowing skirts soaked in puddles as we sashayed in the misty night of tacloban. i no longer wear the skirt these days. I have grown bigger; so as my world.

remember how the tricycle drivers annoyingly whistled as we pass by them, and how you faced them with a funny face. i thought how cool you were.

sadly, it was just that summer.

written 7.22.07; edited and posted 4.12.09

ano daw? July 19th, 2006

sabi sa libro " where the heart is" ni billie letts, kailangan daw na ang mga pangalan na ibibigay sa mga magiging anak mo ay kailangang matatag. ung tipong kayang suungin ang karahasan ng buhay at manatiling matatag sa kabila ng lahat.

para sa akin, ang mga pangalang ibinigay sa atin ng ating mga magulang ay nagsasalamin din ng kanilang pagkatao at interes sa mga bagay-bagay. sa kaso ko, kayo na ang humusga sa mga susunod pang mga talata.

ang pangalan kong karen ay random lang na naisip ng nanay ko. maswerte nalang at me karen carpenter kaya mejo me napaghuhugutan ako ng isasagot kapag tinatanong na ng teacher ko nung grade 1 kung san galing ang mga pangalan namin. gusto sana ng tatay ko e karen lalaine ang pangalan ko kaso lng kinontra ng nanay ko kasi masyado daw mahaba. kawawa naman daw ako kung paglaki ko eh maging bobo ako at mahirapan sa pagsulat. eh pano yan, eh aherm.

ang mga sumusunod ay ilan sa mga popular na tawag sa akin ng mga tao sa paligid ko

- karen- kadalasan mga acquaintance, syempre very basic. first name ko.matipid masyado.sa unang araw ng klase, syempre perstneym basis.

- karen kaye- naalala ko nung grade one ako, pinilit ako ng teacher kong gamitin ang pangalawang pangalang "kaye" kadugtong ng pangalan ko, mas bagay daw kasi na kapareha ng karen. madalas kong sabihin sa kanyang hindi nman un ang pangalan ko pero mapilit siya kaya sinunod ko nlang din sya. isa pa, cute nman ang may kaye sa pangalan. nang lumaon, bago ako maggrade two, nakita niya ang file ko at ipinatawag ako. tanong niya, "e karen lang naman pla ang pangalan mo, bakit gamit ka ng gamit ng kaye?". simula nun ang napagtanto ko na ang mundo ay magiging ganito. gaguhan.

- karac- tawag ng mga classmate ko nung high school,kasama na rin ng principal namin at mga teachers ko. pang.mock lang nila nung una. at tuluyan nang nakasanayan. sa kalaunan, naging tawag na rin ng ilang kaibigan ko sa college at ni mam dinky. ito rin ang pangalang nakatatak sa mga libro ko. kung merong nagawi sa yo, pakisauli nman…

- kaka- tawag ng mga pinsan at pamangkin kong bata. generally mga bata. mula sa natututo palang magsalita hanggang sa mga batang tamad magsalita.

- karidad- ay naku, dumaan din ako sa pangalang ito. tawag ng pinaka.favorite kong lolo sa akin.ay sensya, siya lang pala ang lolo kong nkagisnan, ever since.

- ka- tawag ng mga barkada ko sa college na close sa akin
. pati ni mam merl at ni lakan. so far, itong tawag na to sa akin ang pinaka.nattouch ako pagnaririnig ko. wen someone calls me by this name, parang dapat pakinggan talaga dapat .

- ayen or yen- my dad, and my cousins na kasabayan kong lumaki

- kara- eto pasosyal na mejo matino, hindi mo aakalaing tawag to sa kin. ang tita kong si "monkey girl" ang madalas tumawag nito sa akin.

- twinkle- mga online frends. period.

- madam- pagtinawag mo ako nito, malamang taga-UP ka.

- paminta o yena- besprend cguro kita. pero isa lang tumatawag nito sa kin.

- braveheart- dati merong tumatawag nito sa akin. gabi gabi.ngayon, ms. raagas na ang tawag niya sa kin.

- ms. raagas- cguro professor kita at hindi tayo magkaibigan at nahuli mo akong nagtetext sa klase mo. o kaya, empleyado ka sa college sec ng UP.

- psst, hoy o uy- kung nakasabay kita sa bus o mrt o tricycle at hindi kita kilala. pag tinawag mo ko nito, malamang mahambalos kita.

bat ko ba to nasulat?wala. sayang ang miles.

naalala mo pa ba ang mga linyang ito? June 20th, 2006

ang mga sumusunod ay maaaring hindi mo maintindihan ang logic o pwede ding hindi ka matawa kasi hindi ka siguro kasama sa konteksto kung saan nasambit ito ng ilang mga taong tinatawag na miyembro ng “fortywinks” sa kabuuan, gayunpaman kung wala kang magawa at ayaw mo namang lubayan ang bahaging ito ng mundo, aba’y sige na, indulge…

kung ikaw naman ay kabahagi ng grupong ito, aba’y basahin mo ng maigi at baka isa ka sa mga nagsabi ng mga yan.

“madam, riko ka gad.ginkakaturugan mo gad la it internet…”(isang madaling araw sa centerlink)

‘you want to stay there?stay there!go there!i don’t care!”(sa klase ng third world lit)

“sorry…girl…”(sa klase ng literary theories)

“wag mong sayangin ang film ko”(isang gabing me praktis para sa TA prods.)

“mrs. wong…”(kinanta, sa midterms ng world drama)

“ako in usa nga dama ha palasyo han Chikuzen…line pls!:(sa parehong play nung nauna…)

“prof:hain hi amor?
stujante:sir ad2, nagpe-fellowship!(sa klase ng 3rd world)

“hain na an akon bag?!imiscol daw niyo!”(sa thaddeus, isang gabi)

“hala, nahurt man ngayan ak han im ginyakan R**…”(after 30mins)

“saba mimie, wla kang alam,kelan man ay hindi ka namalimos ng pagibig!”(reaksiyon, sa multiply)

“kun amo na man la ito, mauli nala ako..”(sa kanto ng justice at del pilar)

“madam:betty mae!
betty mae:madam!espiya mo ako!”(sa mpb, ksagsagan ng stagecraft)

“asia?yeah,asia!she’s my sis…”(asia agcaoili ba…)

“kahuna mo strong ka?ano tim purpose?”(sa TA to.my mouth is shut)

“girl1:nakakabukol udog ini nga bato.do i look menacing?
girl2:no. you look stupid.”(advertising days)

“hala pen, dire ka gud ada ginpapagraduar”(nang macorrupt ang file na issubmit na.talk about empathy)

“ran, tikang yana, magiging cold na ak sa im”(sa back lobby)

“prof:ginpasabot ko na ha im crush ha 3rd yr nga hi avila…
estujante:kamusta ka naman sir?”(sino kaya ito?!)

“ama:baa, nga pirme ka nla overnight, d na ak nanunumdum han im nawong..
anak:ay la pa, kay tatagan nala hin picture!”(amang makakalimutin at anak na pilosopo)

“jeff!open the door!
eavesdropper:an diin pa ito na movie?”(silent na ko.)

“prof:(me tanong sa estujanteng bingi)
eb(as in estujanteng bingi):sir ex-mayor!”(sa law class. saan pa ba?)

“baa batching, mahihimo ka gud nga corpse groom niyan!”(corpse bride.makasaysayan.period.)

“prof:kay anu nga amu man an gingamit nga metaphor hito nga poem?
estujanteng pilosopo:ay ambot ha imu sir. ikaw man it nagsurat.”(klase ng phil lit in the vernacular)

“prof:wat are u trying to say?that if i smash this book to your face, you will also smash this to my face?!
student:yes sir!”(reporting, sa comm theories)

“student1:kay an bulk han am reserch, hi ______ gud an ngtrabaho.
prof:kay nagiinano ka man ________?
epal student:sir nagkikinape!”(sa ou ata ito)

“ang bayaning nasusugatan, nagiibayo ang tapang”(july5, clockwork orange launching matapos madulas sa stairs.)

“everything about him is strong”(sa evaluation ng isang teacher)

“shit!pull!shit!pull!malapit na!madali nang hilahin!”(sa sportsfest, tug-of-war, binitawan na pla ng kalaban)

….yan na po sila..ilang taon din ang dumaan para maipon ang mga yan.sa mga nkakabasa nitong fortywinks, kung idadagdag pa kau, pakiemail lng po ako…at eto pa pla ang pahabol.hindi natin sila papangalanan dahil mga respetadong propesors etong mga ito sa up…

-”ranil, rape time!”
-”hello…urselves…”
-”you’ve been beating around different kinds of bushes”
-”how do you spell “illusion”?
-”duklata ako kay duduklaton ko tim grado”
-”five minutes before the show, tensyonado na tayo…”
-”uragon siguro c maphene…”
-”mga lurong la it naiinlove hin 100%.”
-”darn those chinese!”
-”you’re again advertising your sexual availability.”
-”you’re a miserable excuse for a human being!”
-”ed, two minutes!”
-”oh, napanood niu ba ung concert last nayt ng parokya ni edwin?”
-”voltaire,mayda kita vcd han bata batuta, panu ka ginawa?”

oh yan na muna.hanggang sa susunod!

magsaysay blvd. June 21st, 2006

magdungan gad kita balitaw
nga nagbaktas dida hiton nga dalan;
ugaring la,

hi ako tipa-kanhuraw,
hi ikaw

tipa-kapitolyo an piktaw.

-leyte samar heritage center.june 21 06

why my college grad profoundly reminds me of my gradeschool grad. April 30th, 2006

with my previous article bout our last few days in UP, using a train to more or less describe our fate with our "mababait" na professors sa UP tac, i must say now that we have come to a halt, to the station where we are all bound to get off. after getting off, and as to where my fellow fortywinkers would go, that i couldn’t tell anymore. some of us is bound perhaps to go on a boat trip; while others may choose to take a flight to go somewhere else, and maybe, just maybe, others might stay in that same station and wait for the next train to come and to board again.

april 29, 2006 friday.umaga.thaddeus board haus in tacloban

my day finally started at 6 am. the baccalaureate mass starts at 8am. everything’s set. i decided to wear my immaculate cream colored slingbacks para masanay na sa mangyayari later this afternoon. alam nman ang life style natin, the last time i wore stilettos was when i was 3rd year hiskul, sa prom. in UP, my feet are comfortable with me 30-peso-flipflop from sm cebu.

pro hanggang sa mga huling sandali ganun pa rin , khit anong agang gumising, late pa rin sa people center. feeling vip’s dhil ksabay nmin ang university officials sa pagpasok dhil late din. i didn’t pay much attention to the priest’s homily, he was talking about the da vinci code and the film’s premier this may. napaisip tuloy ako, alam ksi ni father na kmi ang me pnakatendency na iacomodate ang mga ganitong bagong sulpot na mga ideolohiya at pagsuboksa mga natatag nang mga institusyon, siguro naisip ni pader, baka sakali lang na makinig sa sermon ko. i was thanking manong Jessie anyhow for allowing me to be seated sa mass na ito, in short for letting me go, finally. ngpasalamat ako ng taos puso khit papano nman. pagtapos ng misa, kumain kmi sa malapit na fast food dhil kelangan ng mghanda para sa hapon, mrami kming mumuk-apan.he he…

nung hapon…

madalas kong asarin ung mga clasmates ko kapag me productions kmi sa theater na"oh, five mins before the show, tensyonado na", ngaun hindi ako mkahirit, ksi ako ang tensyonado. ganto pla feeling ng grumagradwyet ng kolehiyo.panalo.pero parang ganun pa rin, hini pa rin ngsi-sink in sa akin na graduation na ngaun, at malamang e2 na ang mga huling sandali nmin. ang feeling ko pa rin ay production lng ito kay alegre, na mamaya ge-grade.an, matatapos at magliligpit gaya ng madalas nming gawin.

tensyonado na nga. nkapagbihis na, me muk-ap na rin ako. kaming lahat. salamat kay milai, npasakay kmi sa van nila, para hindi nman kmi sumakay ng jip o tryke.pagdating duon, syempre hindi pa ngsisismula.maaga lng tlga kming dumating kc takot ngang paupuin ni exconde sa likod kung late ka. isa isa nang ngdatingan ang mga prof nmen. una kong nkita ang praning nming adviser, c mam dinky, ntuwa ako, sa totoo lng, matagal ko na syang hindi nkikita. maya maya pa eh, dumating na c mam merl, sigawan kming lahat, kc nga ginamitan lng nmin sya ng coercion para umatend kc me convention sila sa cebu ng panahong iyon. sunod kong nkita ang nanay, glamurosa pa rin. nngiti ako, pro hindi ko alam kung ano dpat ang reaksiyon ko kc hindi pa kmi masyadong ngkakaayos. pinka huling dumating c sir vic, un tlga, muntikan na akong maluha. humabol sa huling flyt ng pal para makarating galing maynila kc may conference din. kumpleto na kmi. panalo.

pagtunog ng marcha para gradwasyon, pinagpawisan na ako. langhiya, ito na un.

fast forward na tayo.dun na sa commencement speaker at valedictory address.

una, mawalang galang ke ms abarca, una plang ay disappointed na ako na hindi c chiz escudero ang speaker nmen. mas npatunayan ko pa nung ngsalita na. salamat sa mga pang umagang text greetings, nkabuo sya ng talumpati. ni hindi man lang ako naantig mas lalo na nainspire, which is ang tlagang purpose sna ng speaker. wala kming pakialam kung saang unibersidad ka nanggaling nung masters mo, kung anong posisyon mo ngaun, ang mahalaga, paano mo marerelate ang karanasan mo sa amin. at sna nman, bagong version nman, karamihan sa amin e nkarinig na nun nung pre school o gradeschool, at karamihan pa sa mga sinabi nia, alam ko nmang kelangan kagaya ng hardwork, pangarap at tiyaga. kamote.

pero higit sa lahat, lalo akong nadisappoint sa valediction ng magna cum laude nmen. patawad dave, but i really have to air this out. he spoke on behalf of the graduates of batch 2006, and i believe that he shud have enumerated the issues that this darn batch have undergone. hindi ko sinasabing wag mgpasalamat sa mga magulang at kamag-anak nia, which is basically what he did, but there were so many things that he left out in the field waiting to be heard by the public, if we are actually talking about speaking on behalf of your batch. nakakasama ng loob. i am a part of this batch, and i believe, i was not well represented. and furthermore, hindi ito ang trend ng valediction sa UP. my goodness. we should better have gone back to our respective high schools, or elementary schools if dats the freakin’ case.

during the whole course of the commencement exercises’ events, i never felt the spirit of uniquely graduating from an institution like UP. sayang. except for mam dinky hugging us as we stepped down the stage and our 3 profs beaming at us, there was not much to be cherished that day. the rites was so orderly, peaceful and highly organized, pero dhil din dito, walang puso na natira. naging mechanical at parang ang gradwasyon ay ginawa out of necessity nlang kya nagaaksaya pa ng pera at panahon.

sana hindi na maulit. sana grumadweyt ulit ako.

panagsugat:when visayas merge for the love of our language April 25th, 2006

the following are perhaps the most important things in life that i’ve learned from the 3rd panagsugat: all-visayas creative writing workshop:

• you lose your lap when you stand up
• you don’t say "hello, good morning!" at the same time, it’s one or the other, it’s not part of the english language
• talk and speak are two different things, so be careful:parrots talk, people speak.
• fedora is hat in spanish
• there are 3 criteria for beauty: truth, symmetry and clarity or magnificence. if you have it, consider yourself beautiful
• good day is not the same as good morning or good afternoon; same as an evening gown and a night gown
• the book little lectures, little lessons by leoncio deriada should become every filipino’s must have, next to the bible.
• and for budding poets and frustrated writers like me, there’s little workshops, little critiques…

the 5-day workshop is one hell of an experience that i must say, not all the souls in up are given the chance to experience. you learn things, meet new people, share knowledge, eat sumptuous and over flowing viands.plus the perks you get such as free lectures over dinner, booze and booze at mags with the regions finest and many more…

i say, panalo talaga ang panagsugat!

more are coming…as soon as i finish reading deriada’s books!he he

mensahe galing sa 352… April 17th, 2006

abala ako sa paghahanda ng susuutin ng pinsan ko matapos maligo nang tumunog ang celpon ko at ito ang mensaheng tumambad sa akin mula sa 352…

type mo bang magka-American txtmate?kuha na ng virtual friend!pra sa American BF, txt KANO to 352. para sa GF, txt KANA to 352.subscryb na!P2.5/day(SMARTFREEALERT)

kayo na ho ang humusga…

down to the very last few days… March 23rd, 2006

wla na dapat akong karapatang mgsulat sa blog ngaun dahil lagpas ulo na ang trabaho nming hindi mtapos tapos. pro kelangan. ang blogging ay katulad ng pag iyak, paminsan. mdalas mong maalala kapag malungkot ka at akala mo’y wla nang bukas ang mundo. nkakagagaling ng sama ng loob. nkatatawag ng pansin.

anim na oras na akong nsa lrc ngaun. mlapit ko nang matapos ang thesis nmin,final touches nlang. nawawala pa kasi ang kpartner ko. kaya mgblog nlang muna.

huling ilang araw nlang nmin ito sa up. huling pinakamahalagang araw at hindi na dapat bumitaw. ang panahon nmin ngaun ay parang bullet train. kami nman ang sakay.pero hindi sa loob, hindi nkaupo kundi nasa labas ng tren. sa mga railings kung saan tanging ang pagkapit lng nmin ang tanging mkakapagligtas sa amin. nililipad kmi ng hangin.ang buo nming katawan.humhampas sa mga sanga na aming dinadaan.mrami nang galos at salubsob pero kelangang kumapit ng maiigi, huwag bumitaw.dahil baka sa pagbitaw ng isa man sa amin, bka hindi na mkakapit muli at tuluyan nang maiwanan..nsa susunod na estasyon na ang bababaan nmin. masyado nang matagal ang tiniis nmin para kumapit. wag ngaun. hindi dapat.

maka.moment nga uli mamaya.

kapag umuulan nga naman…bumubuhos…bumabaha…March 14th, 2006

sinasabi ko na nga eh. ayaw kasing maniwala. sa kahit anong pagkakataon, wag kalimutang magdala ng payong. gaano man kaaliwalas ang araw, maya-maya maaaring umuulan din.at kadalasan, gaya ng ngayon, bumubuhos at binabaha ka.hindi ka kasi nakikinig eh.

nung isang gabi, inisip ko na un. pano kaya kung magkita kami ulit?me isang taon na ata mula nung last kming magkita.a hindi, exagg nman. pero, oo matagal tagal na rin. hndi ko sya tinetxt o ngpaparamdam. wla na nga akong mga katarantaduhang blog na sinusulat kasi alam ko, madalas niang basahin to. parang bumabalik lang uli ung mga pinagsasasabi ko noon. oo ngmove on na ko. t**ngina nman, sa sobrang tagal na no’n, hanggang ngaun ba umaasa ka pa rin ke godot?

sabi ko nga hindi na. e pro bakit ganun. knina, sa me di kamahalang fast food sa isang panulukan sa tacloban, habang pauwi kmi galing shopping galore sa ukay ukay, tumigil na nman ang mundo ko. kagaya ng pagtigil nito nung una, nung miting di avanci, bago ako tawaging upv usc. parehong pareho. gago kasing villamor, hindi man lang ngpasintabi. alam ko nang me anomalyang magaganap nang tumigil sa paglakad ang villamor at biglang pinakita ang "close up" smile niya. pero bakit ni hndi ko man lang naisip na maaaring siya nga yun. huli na nang malaman kong andun siya. para akong binuhusan ng isang dram na creme brulee zagu.at ung mga pearls, isa-isang kumokotong sa akin. mabilis akong lumakad palayo.ewan ko kung nakita nia ko. malamang. sa laki kong to, sobra naman kung hindi.ayoko na sanang bumalik.hinanap pa ako ng maphene at mabel na mas excited pa sa akin.saka nila pinaalala sa aking "kadayao" nga pla ngaun, at suot ko ung bubble gum shirt kong suot ko nung bday ko 2 taon na ang nkakaraan*. tsk tsk.

bumalik kami. para bumili kunyari ng iced tea. pero sa totoo, hindi ako nauuhaw, hindi ako nagugutom. lumapit ang mokong sa akin para humiram ng bolpen. hanep. super sayan.(tama ba sfelling?) naghanap ako ng bolpen sa bag ko. kasabay ng paghagilap ko kung me natitira pa ba sa nakaraan. aba. hanep. meron pa nga.

tas umalis na sila.parang wala lng. mas malamig pa ang kamay ni maphene sa akin. at infairness, mas doble ang gabutil na mga pawis sa noo niya kesa sa akin.hanep.ang saya ng araw ngaun. kadayao.si kadayao. ang penshoppe na tshirt.tama ang mga simbolo. ayos na sana.

kagabi. ngtapat na ako.ng pagibig.**ai sows**. pero hndi sa kanya. kay manong.kaya lang, mukang d naniwala. akala ko ayos na ang lahat. akala ko sa pagamin kong yun ng kasalukuyan kong nararamdaman, kasabay na nun ang paglimot sa nakaraan.mali pala.

sana hindi ko siya nakita.bak to square one na naman.

tsk tsk…magdala kasi ng payong. ang kulit eh.tingnan mo, bka malunod ka tuloy niyan ngaun.

*para sa mga taga subaybay, alam niong mhalaga ang mga simbolong ito…

para kay endymion… at sa mga taong dumaan at daraan pa sa kalyeng ito… March 10th, 2006

malayo ang lalakbayin ko

at mukang matagal pa bago ako bumalik.

sinabi ko naman sa yo,

hindi ako magtatagal

sana’y hindi mo dinamihan ang pagsaing ng bigas

at pagpaksiw ng isda.

hinihintay ko lang ang pagtila ng ulan.

patawad. hindi ko kagaad naiusal ang sadya ko.

hayaan mo lang kung marami ang inhanda ko

kung hindi man natin maubos yan ngaun

marami pa ang magdaraan

at pihadong sasalo sa akin

wag kang mabahala

hindi yan agad mapapanis.

mabuti kung ganoon.

mauuna na siguro ako

tapos ang pagulan.

malayu-layo pa ang lalakbayin ko

hindi ako sigurado kung makdaraan pa akong muli.

hihintayin kita ganunpaman.

mangyari’y kung ibang daan na

ang iyong tatahakin

sa susunod mong paglalakbay,

ipaghahanda pa rin kita

ng paksiw at kanin;

ng pagsamo at pananabik…

para ito sa kanya. alam kong hindi na maibabalik ang dati, at maari ngang dumaan lng siya ng panandalian. ganunpaman, salamat. ikaw pa rin ang pinaka importanteng tao para sa akin…

just wen nobody wears orange on friday anymore… January 27th, 2006

nobody wears orange in up tacloban on fridays anymore(please check my grammar). orange has acquired a different meaning in up tacloban ever since clockwork orange was launched, the so called staunchest defender of democracy and justice in the poor little college of tacloban. for several weeks, protesters have worn this color to show sympathy for the struggle of this network. but now, not even the fantastic four, mam merl, sir vic, mam joycie and mam dulz can hardly be seen in orange on fridays, these days.

what have happened? did the passion burn out alredi? what happened to the promise they once said to protect the democracy in this college? where have those words gone? where they eventually silenced by the threats? or have they finally realized that the system is just to rotten already that nothing can be saved anymore, not even scraps.

too bad its wrong. nobody wears orange anymore because we chose to bring out the colors we used to wear, not only orange. we chose to color it more vividly as we strengthen the fight we once started. orange will still be orange. but with the outcome of our struggle, red, blue, yellow, pink, green and many other colors are incorporated, to make an even lasting impression to the mind. we may be just a tint in the sky called UP, but somehow, we started it all. once upon a time, there was a group of crazy people who tried to test tyranny and oppression. and they won…well, not immediately but eventually.

i love orange. i really do.

gilderoy lockhart reminds me of prof. (er, dr.) talde… January 20th, 2006

ds kinda late, but i think this deserves a place in this crazy blog, written by a crazy being…recently, while i was taking my hour-long bath, i remembered gilderoy lockhart of the 2nd buk of harry potter series (chamber of secrets…not commerce) and i related him to my prof in history a few years back, wen i was still a freshie in the bucolic college of up tacloban…hek hek…

it was my fateful first day of college in up tacloban…my clas was history 1…and living up to my famous reputation of never coming up to class on time, naturally, i was late. i missed my professor’s introduction. i ddnt even get his name. i was still too timid to ask from my seatmates, so i just listened to his litany of requirements and expectations from us for the course. it went for like an hour. i was jotting down most of what he was saying. most of which where really good points, mostly deconstructing my gradeschool and high school history teachers. nevertheless, i was expecting that it would turn out that way. UP is the home for these people, home of societies’ nihilists..he he..kewl.

as i was copying the points he was scribbling in the board, i noticed the reading materials we need for that course…written after several titles of books was the name "prof. daniel talde"…wow…it was like seven or so books written by the same author.this bastard must be really good. imagine seven books! all being recommended for us to read!

his litany went on for another30 minutes then finally the bell rang…so he then wrapped up the discussion and reminded us of the reading materials he was requiring our class to at least have a copy because the discussions will mostly be taken from these books.

he now allowed us to leave. finally, out of curiosity, i tapped my classmate on our way to the door and asked him (or was it a her? cnt recall anymore) wat was the professor’s name…he (or she) answered back, "…prof. daniel talde, u wer late, ano?…"

i was appalled.

he was also the same professor where these famous lines came from: "…will you turn off the windows?", "…the landing of leyte…" and many others.

contrary to what ranilo sed…ok nman ang “exodus”… January 18th, 2006

pacensya na ang babasa nitong hindi tga dito sa tacloban…ngaun plang kc pinalabas dito ang exodus ni bong revilla…alam nio nman, iisa lng ang sinehan d2, iisa lng dn ang screen, kaya isang muvi lng kada linggo ang pinapalabas.saklap no?anewei, last showing day ng exodus kgabi at swerte lng nman at npanood nmin.

hndi ko inaasahang mgugustuhan ko ung palabas. kc nga bong revilla n nman, bad trip pa ung captain barbel nia dati at ung agimat echus nia, kya d ako msyadong ngexpect ngaun…

ok nman cia…maganda ang konsepto nila ng mga characters…me konsepto na c erik matti ng defamiliarization ng mga stereotype na engkanto…nkita niu ba ung metal na pakpak ni aubrey?aswang nga pla cia dun at ang googles nia blue ang frame.ayos.sna lng, nung bandang ngmomoment c bong at c iya sa isang eksena, e hindi cla umeepal ni benji sa likod at nloloka ang nnood dhil mejo ngdulot ito ng lito sa mga nanonood kung saan dapat mgfocus…

c benjie nman, npagkamalan nung iba kong clasmate na "genie", kamusta nman un…pwede nang palusutin, mganda nman ang contacts na blue…

c tolits ok sna kung hindi lng nilalamon ng pula niang buhok ang buo niang mukha…at mukang wla pang konsepto ng suklay ang mga ngaayos sa knila.

maganda c iya.un lng…me knakaasaran lng kming bahagi ni merlou sa character nia…mhilig mgdrop ng character…gaya nung minsang nguusap sila ni bong, na kunwari e matapang at mtaray siya ke bong tas nung cnabi ni bong na pkakawalan na cla kung ayaw tlga nlang sumama, e bigla nlang ngdrop at sinabing "tlga?! gagawin mu un?" buti nlang at hndi ngtatatalon sa tuwa…

hndi maayos ang pagkaestablish ng mga pangyayari sa kwento…me mga tauhan na bgla nlang sumusulpot…gaya nung "ewan" na me hood na umapear nung nglalament c bong somwere…cno nga ba cia at ano ang purpose nia dun…ung karakter ni mark gil e ok sna pro sna naikwento ng maayos ang papel nia bago pa man lng cia mlagutan ng hininga…

mgulo dn si bong, bukod sa mkapal at ngssmudge niang foundation, sa simula, siya ang nmuno sa mga hukbo ng tao laban sa mga taong dilim (tama ba?) tas biglang sa lamentation uk uk nia eh me i sabi siang "mahina ako…chu chu"…ano ba tlaga kuya?

pero mganda ung konsepto nila ng pagalis ni bong para mkipaglaban…para bago nman, hndi lng laging out of sheer heroism at bukal na kalooban chenes…dapat me pabuya!he he…o d ba mraming nkarelate…tsaka un n man na ang trend d ba?pakapalan n ng muka…

hndi ko msyado naintindihan ang papel ni paolo bediones at ewan ko ba kung baket hndi man lang nturuan ng defamiliarization sa extra challenge ang manong na un…na khit nsa ibang role na cia liban sa pgiging host e ganun p rin ang tono ng boses at kung paano nia bigkasin ang mga linya nia…tsk tsk..dpat mg T.A to ke nanay joycie ko eh…

maganda din ang space na ginawa nila to establish ung campo ng mga tao, o earth ata un…ang basa ko sa inquirer, inspired daw ni tim burton ung space na un… ayos.epektib nman…ung kaharian ni haring jay-r ay msyadong masikip para sa akin…oo nga pla, c jay-ar pa, buti nlang at me mga spectacular masks ciang gnamit, nloloka ako sa mga ekspresyon nia. sbi pa ng nanay joycie, dalawa lng ang alam na emosyon, saya at lungkot lng…minsan hndi pa cgurado kung msaya nga siya o hndi…

bitin ang fight scenes nila bong at ng haring jay-ar…sna mas mganda ang direksyon ng fight scenes lalo na nilang dalawa..hello, c jay-ar kya ay supposed to be the most powerful being in the world tas ganun ganun lng ciang tnalo? isa pa ay ang pagkakahuli ni bong sa mga engkanto…ni wla nman kaeffort effort on his part…bitin.basta un na.

bago ko mkalimutan c long mejia, na sbi pa ni maphene eh ding na ding, mas mgaling pa ang mga baraha niang lumulutang sa kanya…ung lng ba ang kaya niang gawin?painumin natin ng kape para kabahan nman…

sna wla na akong nkalimutan…naiinis ako at mulawin ang palabas ngaun…kelan ko pa kya mapapanuod ang maximo oliveros d2?*sigh* salamat sa rural city of tacloban, mtutupad ang pangarap kong mging film maker…tsk tsk…

where was i… January 16th, 2006

camille, through her well-crafted blog, gave me an idea to publish this, similar to her artikel…

10 years ago…

i was a 4th grade pupil in nuevo. i met one of the best teachers i had, mrs. tamayo (bless her heart)my adviser…i had my first period a month after i turned 10 (rather early)…i couldn’t remember other things during this time…basta, bata pa ako nun. i was still with my best buds in gradeskul, enjoying aratilis from our bubungan…it was in this particular year that i wanted to be a senator, i dunno why…idol ko pa ata c gloria nun…

5 years ago…

i was 4th year high school…i was still devastated when the first term results of the top ten was released, and from top3 in 3rd yr, i only wound up 9th…nevertheless, i was still able to enjoy being our schools rep to contests and conferences…nah, forget about it…my high school days, unlike most students, was by far my most hated part of my school days…i was bitter i had to leave makati and i felt that i ddn’t deserve the education i had in that far flung place…haaay…soreee…by the way, i managed to rise from doom, i end up being our batch’s salutatorian…

a year ago…
i was preparing for the saringsing arts festival in up…we were among the organizers and being the president of the ideopraxist i really had to work…was still oblivious to the hidden crisis in our division…i was informed that lamrag was actually considering me to be a candidate for upv usc come campus elections in february…

a month ago…
i was celebrating bday with mabel…o no, celebrating, but not with her(panu un?)…i was desperately looking for my book "the alchemist", but to no avail. i bought that when i was in manila last summer…

a week ago…
my hell week has started already…my thesis paper was not yet done and we were actuali runnin out of tym… i have 3 essays pending, blank papers that needed to have sumting written on it to be passed to alunan and a comprehensive report in marge’s class…

yesterday…
i haven’t even closed my eyes for a minute for the past 27 hrs because of our darn paper… i was still finishing the last parts and trying to have a decent conclusion…but i was able to finish and submit it by 8pm last nyt…galore…galore…galore…pero sila lang, lethal ang allergy ko sa alcohol…

today…
tanghali na akong gumising…skipped my socio and law on media class dahil ngaun plang ako bumabawi ng tulog. magisa nlang ako ngaun sa lrc dhil ewan ko kung nsaan na ung mga taong kasama ko knina…i am neither happy nor sad today…wlang load ang 3100 ko…am wearing maphene’s bubuyog shades to make my eye luggages less conspicuous…

i survived 2005! January 9th, 2006

1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before?

• resisted the things oppressing me and my fellows, against all odds…imagine the threats and all…
  

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

• I never made resolutions, i’ve never improved in fulfilling them..

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

• yes, ena my blockmate and dear friend…

4. Did anyone close to you die?

• yes. anya, one of my closest cuz. she’s 21.

5. What countries did you visit?

• only in my dreams…

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

• sense of urgency and responsibility…and also passion to get things done…

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• the christmas and new year celebration with an amazing family, that which is not MY family…it’s my happiest and most memorable holodays in years…

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

• being elected upv_usc consul general and our little successes in clockwork…

9. What was your biggest failure?

• not, for the second time, carrying out the ncca plan for the poetry caravan. my fault, basically…

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

• yep. a lot.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

• my book the house of the spirits..

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

• sr ken ramos…for keeping the gasc united and prevented the malacañang intervention for the sr selection. dat was rili remarkable knowing how hard headed "the other side of up" were…kudos ken!

13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?

• the "leaders" of up during the gasc, for promoting their selfish interests over that of our constituents…my being happy-go-lucky that i neglected a lot: people, responsibilities and a whole lot more…
  

14. Where did most of your money go?

• food and books…photocopies for suggested readings that were actuali compulsory…

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?

• my xmas holidays with the alegres…

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?

• more today than yesterday…nanay would sing that when i was terribly sad last year…

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

• happier my dear…my dreaded year ended well and my 2006 started just right…
• 
  
• 18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

  • be more sympathetic and sensitive to the people around me…darn am rili poor at that…

  19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

  • Cursing and bad mouthing.. he he…

  20. How will you be welcoming the NEw YEar?

  • i spent it with nanay and tatay and uyay, first time that i ddnt get to sleep the new year’s eve away, which is what i’m used doing…darn really memorable…

  22. Did you fall in love in 2005?

  • yeah. real love.

  23. How many one-night stands?

  • puhleez…

  24. What was your favourite TV program?

  • still spongebob squarepants…

  25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

  • indifference. queber ko nman sa knila..

  26. What was the best book you read?

  • the house of the spirits by isabel allende

  27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

  • the classic songs my nanay loves sooo much, and they’r rili good..

  28. What did you want and get?

  • win in the upv usc elections///

  29. What did you want and not get?

  • camera phone or a digicam, still..

  30. Favorite film of this year?

  • moulin rouge…soree ngaun ko palang npanood and the notebook!lupet.

  31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

  • i turned 20.we had the usual friday vigil, with pancit and sliced bread and coke. i wore a beaded green top. but that was the most emotional bday i had. everyone prayed for me…i conseptualized and directed a comical skit that same night and actually won the grandprize…talk about spur of the moment…he he..

  32. What things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

  • Assurance and Security

  33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

  • awful. really awful…but wearing those clothes and my dearest flip flops from cebu were really the most comfortable get up i had in 2005, and am still planning to wear them…queber sa mga fashionista calling me a fashion victim to the nth level…

  34. What kept you sane?

  • crying once in a while and laughing most of the time..

  35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

  • rachel mc adams, esp in the notebook…

  36. WHo is your real-person crush?

  • raffy jones sanchez..wahahaha…

  37. What political issue stirred you the most?

  • hello garci…and the gasc fiasco…sa up marami nun, lalo na dito sa tacloban…

  38. Who/What did you miss?

  • my cuz and my mom…

  38. Who was the best new person you met?

  • lakan uhay…and nanay.and tatay (sori, i have to name 3, they were the best)

  39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.

  • whatever you have now, cherish it for it will not stay forever. ur time might be running out to say you love that someone soooo much…

  40. Quote that sums up your year

  • at a certain point, we lose control of the things around us and we become controlled by fate; –that’s the world’s greatest lie…paulo coelho

find me by david gates October 16th, 2005

The skies are not as blue, when you’re not with me

The stars, they never seem to shine as bright

And the hours crack like days across the ages

And a year or two pass by with every night.

It makes me know if i should ever leave this world before you do

When you follow you must promise, cross your heart and promise to

(Chorus) Find me…look hard, and dont stop, I’ll be waiting ’till then

Dont sleep, and dont eat ’till I’m back, back in your arms again

I dont wanna have to spend all my forever without you.

Just knowing that your out there somewhere too.

So darlin…please I’m begging you on bended knee…

Find me…

I’ve tried to tell this world how much i love you.

But they dont understand how deep it goes.

And i can’t even find the words to tell you

So I’m the only one who really knows.

And though we have our times together,

I am always wanting more

So if we get separated wont you do just like before and

(Chorus 2) Find me…look hard and dont stop, I’ll be waiting ’till then

Dont sleep, and dont eat ’till I’m back, back in your arms again

Through a hundred million faces you will see me shinning through.

‘Cause I’ll glow when you come close , I always do.

So darlin’ please im begging you on bended knee..

We can share our love through all eternity

‘Cause with you is all i ever wanna be……

Find me

don’t yoo think this one’s grabe??this is me and my frend ranille’s theme song…and he doesn’t take it lightly coz i rili mean it… *wink*

reverie… October 8th, 2005

;an abstracted state of absorption

lost in thought.

in trance.

that’s what i always wanted to be…

but when will that be?

when all i’ve got to do is to look up

to the vast space.timeless.unaltered.

my paper

let me finish it first.

and when i do,

allow me to leave

and don’t hold me back.

allow me.

this is just to say by william carlos williams September 20th, 2005

i have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox

and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast

forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold…

++the power of imagism:my favorite imagist poem, as of this moment…salamat ke mam merlie++

wat i miss doing… September 3rd, 2005

it’s been quite a while since i last updated my blog. and im really sad not having the right motivation to fill it up juz like what i used to do with it. i guess losing someone really close to you is enough to explain this sudden waning of my passion.

i haven’t seen him for a long time. haven’t heard anything. but i guess that was a good thing not having to talk about the person who used to put a smile across ur day. some good things really don’t last forever. and perhaps that was the most brilliant idea to take as of this moment.

but despite that tragic end, i still would want to experience the same great feeling.but i can’t go back now. i guess GOD rili has other plans for me and that he’s slowly giving it to me and taking away those things which i think He thinks i don’t rili nid to bring to where i am bound to go.

when HE tried to let me understand his signals that i had to move on instead of lamenting over a cup of bitter coffee, HE gave someone better whom i can fall back on…HE does move in mysterious ways…

she was my film class professor, theater arts and acting mentor, rare, one of its kind in the country. am not even a good student of her class but since she always hav sumthing good to say about your works, you’ll believe you’re really good at it…

i call her my glamorous fortress today. we may not have shared a very long time together, GOD let our paths cross at a certain point when we both joined forces to fight for our common goal. and during those fateful days, she stood by me and surprisingly, i am sharing with her today, perhaps the most crucial days of my life, that only she and myself knows why…

and now, i can only thank HIM for bringing her closer to me…ü

there’ll be no moon tonight… May 13th, 2005

i have been back in my hometown for nearly a month now…it feels so good when u get to set foot on the soil where u actually grew up; be with the people who have majorly the reason for your, well, success or failure–however u wanna look at where u are standing now…it does feel good to come back, even if tacloban and biliran already are my "home" now…

i had this thing of climbing up the roof at night even when i was small, to see the skyscrapers of makati, be endlessly proud that, well, i am a true blue batang makati.and there i wud usually, apart from looking at the makati skyline, would lay down looking at the sky..be once agen enchanted by the moon and the stars..and now, to be able to call thru suncellular which i cant normally do inside the house..one, bcoz the conversations are quite private and two the signals kinda weak, it doesnt reach my fon when am inside the haus[or perhaps we have this superduperintergalacticmegalomaniac gi sheets that prevents the network from reaching my fon]..

even in tacloban, the night brings a certain inspiration upon seeing the moon, especially when it’s at its full phase[no, am not a "lunatic" who goes around hunting people at night during fullmoon to drink blood.] but tonight, its gonna b different. there’ll be no moon. he won;t be around; he won’t haunt me in my dreams; he won’t be there, i tell you…coz i chose not to let him in.

he’s gone now. forever.

*matagal ko na itong naisulat…nakalimutan ko na rin ang purpose ko sa pagsulat nito at kung ano ang pakiramdam ko nung sinusulat ko ito…ganunpaman…heto cia at binasa mo.salamat.

Magsaysay Blvd.

¤kung ang maynila me roxas blvd..kmi d2 s leyte me magsaysay blvd..

e2 n ata ang pnakamagandang lugar d2 s tacloban para s akin at ke maphene..

ewan ko ba, pro bukod s and2 ang up, na s ksawiang palad e eskwelahan ko, pero s bawat aspeto cguro ng buhay kong me knalaman s pag.ibig at kasawian, saksi ang daang i2 ng lahat ng yon..¤

bukod s snabi ko ngang and2 ang up, and2 dn s daang ito ang boy scouts ofis, anong meron dun?ako lng ang me alam..at cla lng dn ang makakaintindi…

d2 s daang ito, araw araw ko ciang nkikita mula s bintana ng opisina nia.bagaman alam niang buhay ako, at alam din niang me pgtingin ako s kanya..masyado lng ata tlgang mpanghusga ang lipunan..kya,sbi ko s srili ko, tama na to, uwi nlang ako. bka s next life, mkasama ko rin sia.. biruin mo, pati next life pinatos ko n rin..pero matagal ata un mangyari…

e2 n nman ang isa. d2 ako mdalas lumakad s madaling araw.hndi nio naitatanong, dagat po ang katabi nito. d2 ko snasabi s sarili ko ang lahat ng mali ko.o kung bakit ako ngsasaya ngaun. para ngang baliw minsan, pro dun ko nsasabi ang dpat kong ilabas, kc s daang ito, hndi ako pagatatawanan..hndi ako huhusgahan. mkikinig lng sia.hanggang s mapagod na rin ako at umuwi.

d2 s daang ito, nkakasabay ko ang dyaskeng lalakeng yon. oo nga, siya n nga.me ice cream n dala minsan, minsan nman wla lng. dala lng ang mbibigat nming dala.dalahin para sabay n itapon sa kankabatok.. ang corny no?pero oo, alam kong tunay yun. ewan ko nga lng kung ano nangyari..

kc d2 sa daang ito ko rin siya huling nkita. at nkausap ng maayos..nwala n lng ba ng bigla..pero ngkikita p rin kmi.hndi nga lng ngpapansinan.

sna ang daang ito na ngdala ng lahat ng ito sa akin at siyang magdala s akin pabalik s kanya. o kung hndi n tlga pwede,,,sna mkapaglakad ako ulit d2….nang hindi nagiisa.

May 3rd, 2005

resurrection...

not a single blog in two months?
not really. i did post some notes in fb and multiply but not here.
a lot has happened which i failed to write down and they are now flooding my head. lol.
i got this little "dream journal" from a second hand books store and im trying my best to write down my "little dreams" lest i forget them. or amnesia takes them away from. or worse, if i die too soon and nobody gets to know that i had a little dream of those sort. he he.
i always felt that a only have a very little time to stay in this world. that explains perhaps, why I wanted to do a lot of things asap. i feel that i might not have all the time in the world. so i'm starting little by little. getting myself into film school is one of those. travelling the world is another. i dunno yet how to achieve them fully and what do i do once i achieve them, but im working on it-- working on thinking what to do after these, and working on achieving them. naks.

i promise to write down what i have missed to write down in the past 2 months. they were really fast and i think it's a shame not to chronicle the encounters.

meantime, i went to trinoma earlier because a friend cancelled our meeting at the last hour so i had to look for a refuge. krispy kreme, wherever there is, never fails to amuse me with their sinful doughnuts and free wifi access. hihi. so i uploaded my notebook's worth of pictures like the United Nations going to ban uploading in the next few hours.

i saw jolina magdangal in a nearby mini concert and took a video of koko *yes of koko krunch* dancing to JaiHo. Could you imagine that.

nothing spectacular but i thought it was amusing especially seeing beeming kids at the front row.

im loving walking around the metro these days.

resurrection...

not a single blog in two months?
not really. i did post some notes in fb and multiply but not here.